6th August 2012
I think I’m losing the plot. My low opinion of myself and my ill functioning body parts are turning me into nutjob. I’m paranoid and think my partner is obviously cheating on me. Why would he not be? I’m barren and crazy and only want to have sex at specific times of the month. There’s no spontaneity in our relationship anymore and all I talk about is babies and why I’m not pregnant. I’m not fun anymore and I’m less secure in myself. I don’t like me so obviously he doesn’t like me. He’ll find a young fertile girl and leave me soon. Obviously these are not thoughts I express to him or (anyone else) – they just go around in my head driving me further insane. Then I come home from work and he’s bought me a little present or tidied the mess he left somewhere and gives me a big hug and I realise that he does love me. I am still loveable. I am still me and this crazy version of me is not really who I am. All is right with the world again. And I still want a baby.
14th August 2012
Got first appointment at the Fertility Centre tomorrow. Turns out all the other hospital appointments I had were a diversionary tactic by the NHS – maybe to try and see if anything else would work but more likely to drag it out so I get fed up and go private – which I did do for some things. Note to others – tell your GP to send you direct to your researched closest NHS fertility Centre and by pass the local hospital who are also full of General Doctors guessing what could be wrong rather than fertility specialists. If treatment is available to you on the NHS I suggest going for it as fertility treatment is not cheap.
31st August 2012
It’s been a while and I’m now in much better spirits about the whole thing. Had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic where they have put me in the diary to start IVF in January! Aarrggghhh being given a date makes it sound so real. However I have to have a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy operations – hopefully they will do both at the same time. I don’t want either but apparently IVF stands a better chance of being successful if they know what’s going on inside there and having a proper look and correcting anything that may need fixing. Operation has been schedules for October, and I have a whole host of appointments in the interim, starting with yet another intrauterine ultrasound scan, which for some reason was nowhere as painful as they have been in the past considering the nurse was in there for a lot longer than normal. I was very crampy afterwards. But I’m now very excited at the prospect of starting and IVF and have downloaded 2 books to my iPad Kindle App – Zita Wests Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception and Kate Brians Complete Guide to IVF. I really feel like IVF is the answer to my problems and I’m so desperate for it to work. I just don’t know how I’ll cope if it doesn’t.
N.B. Its funny how when you tell people of your difficulties getting pregnant they assume it’s because of an untreated STI. I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who didn’t even know they had Chlamydia. Yes untreated STI's can and do lead to infertility in women but this is not the reason I can't conceive... So thanks anyway ***Insert eye rolling icon here***
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