It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you… Without a strong rhyme to step to… LOL Anyway enough of Eric B and Rakim (You got Soul) for those that know….

 

It’s been a hot minute since I blogged, I kinda found myself suffering from a blog writing block!  I’ve been semi vocal in the past in my blog about my fertility journey and I was considering creating a separate blog just for that.  It was my partner that said my blog should be about everything and anything I want to write about including the fertility stuff.

I usually find writing about things a cathartic healing process and I know the reason for my writers block.  At the start of this year we started our second cycle of IVF.  This time round things were not as straight forward as the first cycle and at times there doubts as to whether we would even make it through to the end of the treatment cycle.  I stimmed for a bit longer, was on higher doses of meds and on a lot more meds than the first time too.  I was quite poorly towards the end and suffered a bit with over stimulation.  I was very stressed due to some worrying feedback on one of the monitoring scans from a consultant I hope to never see again and during the 2WW our boiler broke down adding to an already chaotic situation.  The treatment failed and although I was kinda expecting it, nothing could prepare me for the shock and devastation I felt.  I was in a very weird place for a very long time.  I had to continue as normal and was just about making it though my working day but I would get home and completely fall apart.  I’d already had so much time off for treatment I didn’t want to continue taking time off – my workplace have been great with me getting the leave I needed.  It didn’t help that 2 work colleagues announced their pregnancies in the weeks after my failed treatment.  While happy for them, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself – why not me?!  Why couldn’t I be hiding the secret of early pregnancy from fertility treatment as I shared their joy?  I knew I would be ok in the near future but in that moment I was soooo not ok. 

That’s when I stumbled upon something called Transcendental Meditation (TM.    I read a book by the mogul Russell Simmons called Success through Stillness, and in it he talks about TM and how it has benefitted him.  At first I was very sceptical but after a few more weeks of being depressed I thought I had nothing to lose by giving it a try.  I arranged to go to an introductory session and by the end of that I was convinced and signed up.  TM is 20 minutes of meditation twice a day using a mantra.  The goal being absolute transcendence between the conscious and subconscious mind.  And it really is that simple.  To say I’m finding TM beneficial is an understatement, and I’ve only been doing it for a few months.  In reality it feels like TM has changed my life.  For the last few years my whole world has been consumed with things fertility – everything I did, read and ate was somehow linked to fertility, improving it and preparing myself for treatments.  Even when I said I was taking a break – it was always right there at the side of my mind – not even at the back of my mind, because it was always there.  TM has helped me to refocus on other areas of my life.  It’s helped me to remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and have achieved in my life.  It’s helped my reduce my stress and anxiety and has helped me to relinquish the unobtainable control I was trying to have on fertility – something which cannot be controlled.  It’s given me back the old me - and for that I’m very grateful!  To find out more about TM please visit the website http://uk.tm.org

Eric B and Rakim - You got soul http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrTfI3f_WLM&feature=kp

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On the wheel… Cycle #2 – 27th January

 

So I’m about a third of the way through this second IVF Treatment cycle.  For 4 weeks I was taking a tablet – different from last time – that gave me a couple of horrible side effects.  I was exhausted all the time and I felt nauseous – I just felt like crap all the time.  I’m sure it weekend my immune system because I then caught an awful cold.  My sister kindly informed me this is what I could expect should the treatment be successful this time round – here’s hoping!  Thankfully I’m finally off these tablets but now I start the stimming drugs – the injections to make my ovaries produce more eggs.  Today is day 2 and I’m only on 1 injection at the moment but in a few days I’ll start the other one.  

Alongside these injections I’m on another drug – a steroid which is meant to supress my immune system.  I hate steroids as they come with all manner of side effects, but if they’re going to help me conceive - dammit I’ll do it!  Researching this particular steroid and its uses in IVF has led me to think that my clinic is thinking there’s an immunology reason behind the failure of my first cycle.  The thing is the NHS doesn’t do immunology testing and the steroid drug prescribed is only a small part of the treatment should this be a reason for my unexplained infertility.  Immunology testing is quite taboo and very expensive when done privately and the treatment carried out includes an IVIG transfusion alongside steroids during IVF, and if successful for at least the first trimester of the subsequent pregnancy. 

There’s a lot of talk in the press lately about NHS trusts not following the NICE guidelines and giving people the recommended 3 rounds of IVF on the NHS.  Some people get 1 and some none at all which is so unfair!  I hate when people automatically assume that IVF should not even be given on the NHS – if you have never experienced infertility or known someone who has you have no idea how this isolating and depressing this illness feels.  It is an illness and it can and should be treated.  I’ve mentioned this previously in another post – but I’m lucky enough to live in the ‘right’ postcode where I get all 3 rounds.  However after the failure of the first cycle I was in such a low/depressed state I never thought I would be back here.  Even walking into my clinic yesterday felt like an out of body experience.  Last time I was full of excitement but this time I was full of anxiety and nerves.  I’m terrified of it not working again and this is completely the wrong state of mind to be in during treatment.  I’m going to yoga tonight and I’ve booked reflexology for tomorrow to get myself back into a positive zone!

I’m increasingly worried about my peers - my age and younger, who are led into a false sense of security about their own fertility because they see celebrities like Halle Berry giving birth to her second at 46, Gwen Stefani pregnant with her third at 44 and Rachel Zoe just gave birth to her second at 42.  Whilst I’m an advocate for older mothers I’m very sceptical that there was not a helping hand along the way for some older mothers.  Of course I’m not saying it’s impossible to conceive naturally in your forties – but the likelihood that it will be as easy as would have been in your twenties is not true.  I urge every female delaying having a baby for whatever reason to have their fertility checked out.  Just to be sure that everything is working ok.  You don’t want to get to forty and find out there are issues.  I know first-hand that a regular monthly cycle is not a guarantee that you’re fertile.  It’s not a myth or a scare tactic that female fertility declines with age – it’s a fact.  Never forget that as women we are born with our ovarian reserve of eggs, from the moment we have our first monthly cycle we lose one or two every month.  The older we get, the less eggs we have and the poorer the quality.  A fact that more women who delay motherhood need to be aware of.  No - I’m not suggesting you rush out have unprotected sex to see if you can get pregnant!!  I’m suggesting you visit a private gynaecologist (I don’t think these tests are available on the NHS yet) and have some simple fertility tests done and maybe look into freezing your younger eggs until you’re ready.  Its advice I wish someone had given me in my early thirties.

 

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New Year / New Hair

Since embarking on my fertility journey I have become very conscious of what and how I eat.  I’ve made various changes to my diet mainly cutting out caffeine, reducing my dairy intake, eating wheat and gluten free as much as possible and by drinking a Herbalife shake every morning.  I also ensure I cook all my meals from scratch and at lunch times where I used to buy readymade soups and things I have stopped.  If I make soup at home it will last less than a week in the fridge so why would I buy a fresh soup from the supermarket that expires after a month?  I’m very wary of all the  added extra’s in the food we eat especially in the food labelled as healthy.  I’m not a complete health nut – everything in moderation is key and I never restrict or deny myself.  I eat what I like I’m just more aware what it is I am eating.

This new way of eating has led me to thinking about my hair.  For the last 10 years or so, I have worn my hair relaxed but as with eating rubbish, this phase is also coming to an end.  As I’ve grown so conscious of what I put inside my body I am also becoming conscious of what I am subliminally putting in my body via my scalp. I was asked a year or so ago why I relaxed my hair and to this day I still do not have an answer.  It’s just something I do – by why do I do it?  For what purpose?   I usually relax my hair myself, applying Vaseline as barrier all around my hairline and scalp.  I know of course the cardinal rules of relaxing - not to scratch your scalp in the days leading up to relaxing and to never ever relax clean hair.  These rules and also doing it myself in my own environment, has meant that I have not suffered burns like some people have experienced. 

I’m highly aware of all the natural hair blogs and all the talk of natural hair journeys, and I can’t lie, I’ve often rolled my eyes at these sentiments and terms of endearments.  I completely understand that for some making the decision to go natural after many adult years spent weaving or relaxing or anything else is a big deal and so I’m glad that support is there where needed.  As a relaxed hair wearer I couldn’t help but sense the air of superiority from the naturals around me.  And why not – in these times of conflicting beauty ideals and body dysmorphic disorders it’s high time we are confirmable not only in our skin but also in our hair.  As a black woman who is comfortable in the skin and body I’m in, it means that it’s high time I get back to be being comfortable in my natural hair the way it grows naturally from my scalp. 

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