IVF Cyle #1 - Fail :(

22^nd April

My first IVF Cycle went as well as can be expected.  Aside from some minor freak outs during the medication taking and thinking every time some leaked out that I was scuppering my chances – it was quite text book and thankfully was not cancelled.  I had 12 eggs collected, 8 of which fertilized overnight with my partners super sperm.  I had 2 embryos transferred after 3 days.  Of the balance 6 none made it to 5 day blast stage so I had none to freeze – gutted.  Unfortunately my text book cycle didn’t result in a pregnancy – super gutted.  And I found this out on the day that Sir Robert Edwards the founding father/ The daddy of IVF died.  I took at HPT the day before my blood test and it was negative so I was prepared for the official news from my fertility clinic the next day.  So once again all my imagined symptoms – cramping and sore boobs were just symptoms of the Progesterone pessaries I had to shove up my jacksy twice a day.  (No one ever said fertility treatment was easy.)  What did I learn from my IVF experience?  I’m not going to sugar coat it – because it is a lot and it is not easy!  And I was on the short protocol – so it could have been worse and a lot longer!  The hormones you’re taking magnify all your moods tenfold – think of PMS but worse.  I took the stimming drugs for exactly 2 weeks which consisted of Gonal F injections every evening at 9pm and from day 5 Cetrotide every morning at 7.30am.  Yes you do have to take them at the exact same time every day.  Then I had to Trigger with Ovitrelle at 11.30pm - 2 days before my Egg Collection surgery.  Not bad as I hear some people are told to trigger in the small hours of the morning.  I was however at The Show when I had to trigger – that’s the Blackstreet, Dru Hill, Changing Faces, Damage and Jodeci concert.  My partner shielding my upper thigh while I whipped out my injection.  Don’t even ask about trying to get it passed security.  As a lot of the IVF medication has to be refrigerated I had to transport my trigger shot in an ice pack to the venue.  Fun times!!  I got used to injecting myself and was a dab hand by the end – always remembering my diabetic sister when I was doing one – she has to take insulin 4 times a day.  The worst part of the experience aside from the negative test and the depression that descended afterwards – was the progesterone pessaries that I had to take.  If the treatment had of worked I would have had to take those for the first 12 weeks as well as refrain from sex for the first 12 weeks!!  Yoikes!!  It’s a wonder it really is because women who get pregnant naturally do not have to deal with either of those or any other restrictions in their pregnancies that are common place with IVFers. 

So after years of trying to conceive and then waiting for the IVF treatment I find myself back at square one – childless and broody and getting older.  Will I do IVF again?  I don’t know.  I’m still getting over the experience and if it didn’t work again I’m not sure I could handle it.  Its one of those things you think is going to work, it’s the solution to infertility but in all actually it’s not really like that.  Realistically first time IVF has very low success rates as it’s usually a trial to test how you respond to medication.  Does this mean a second attempt will be successful – who knows?  I’m not getting any younger and my ovarian reserve is already low so while I wait for my follow up appointment I’m left wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently – maybe I should have rested more, been on complete bed rest after Embryo Transfer, should I have drank more water, should I not have insisted on acupuncture on the day of embryo transfer.  I don’t really know if anything I did or didn’t do specifically caused what appeared to be a great cycle to fail at the last hurdle.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do going forward that will improve my chances for success in the future.  I admire the many women I have met whilst on my journey who have done IVF many, many times in the hopes of conceiving.  What I do know is I need a break from the fertility treadmill I’ve been running on for the last few years.  Starting with a holiday!

x x

Countdown

29^th November 2012

Yesterday’s appointment was a bad one.  This was the last appointment before IVF actually starts in January.  And it’s in this appointment they choose to tell me I have polycystic ovaries and low AMH levels as well as my blocked tube.  The very first time I had an internal ultrasound the result showed fluid around my ovary and when the test was repeated it had gone.  However both those tests were carried out at clinics rather than fertility clinics so they were not looking for anything specific.  The scan at the Fertility Clinic which I had about 4 months ago was more detailed.  So for 4 months they tell me that everything is fine.  And yesterday they tell me, oh by the way you have PCOS.  WTF?  I’m used to crying in all my appointments so it’s no surprise that I cried at that new news.  Coupled with the low AMH levels I was not in the best of moods yesterday.  The AMH levels measure ovarian reserve and being told that mine are low going into IVF was not great.  They have to adjust the protocol they put me on and I’m now going to be on the Antagonistic Protocol. So that’s my bedtime reading for the next few weeks sorted while I wait for January. 

A woman is born with her ovarian reserve of eggs - and once she starts her period she loses one or two a month until the menopause.  During this time the quality as well as the quantity declines.  When they say a woman’s fertility reduces with age this is what they mean and this should not be taken lightly.

I read something funny today in another one of those IVF books I’ve been reading.  Anyone who has been through infertility will be able to identify with this.  A lady said it’s her automatic reaction now whenever she has a doctor’s appointment to remove her knickers!  I remember the days I used to dread smear tests.  I’ve had so many foreign objects inserted into me for varying reasons at regular intervals on this journey, that I think its second nature to take your knickers off, get on a table and spread your legs with your heels together.

15th January

So I decided to volunteer with Infertility Network UK.  My infertility journey has been pretty isolating - aside from my immediate family and a couple of close friends I have not told anyone what has been going on.  I'm getting better at sharing but it’s still hard.  A lot of people are of the view that if you can’t get pregnant well its not meant to be and just get on with it.  Infertility is not seen as illness that actually has cures.  People think you’re selfish and just don’t understand and on top of that you already feel like crap because everyone else can do it but you.  As I know how lonely it can feel I want to help others going through the same/similar things and let them know they're not alone.  IN UK helped me a lot when I needed it the most and so I’d like to return the favour.

A woman on BBC Breakfast wound me up this morning, the segment was about children’s ages at school and if being born in the summer, therefore younger than the rest of the class actually affects their education.  This woman says she planned her conceptions so her children would be born in winter so they wouldn't be the youngest in the class.  Planned conception you know!  Well bully for you!  (Bitch)

17th January

I tried to leave some IN UK pamphlets and posters at my GP's surgery and they wouldn't accept them.  They said unless its NHS funded they can't accept them.  Even though its a charity run organisation.  Weird.  I felt quite unsupported by my GP especially when I saw a pregnant one telling me to relax and it will happen ofter a year.  There is no understanding about infertility even from GP's.  If the statistics are correct and one in six couples does go though this, then while you’re in your GP's waiting room it would be nice to glance up and see an IN UK poster or pamphlet offering support.  Trust me my GP has not heard the end of this.  I'm going to write to the practice manager.  There will be IN UK posters in my GP's surgery **Waving fist in the air**

 

x x

"Insane in the membrane...."

6^th August 2012

I think I’m losing the plot.  My low opinion of myself and my ill functioning body parts are turning me into nutjob.  I’m paranoid and think my partner is obviously cheating on me.  Why would he not be?  I’m barren and crazy and only want to have sex at specific times of the month.  There’s no spontaneity in our relationship anymore and all I talk about is babies and why I’m not pregnant.  I’m not fun anymore and I’m less secure in myself.  I don’t like me so obviously he doesn’t like me.  He’ll find a young fertile girl and leave me soon.  Obviously these are not thoughts I express to him or (anyone else) – they just go around in my head driving me further insane.  Then I come home from work and he’s bought me a little present or tidied the mess he left somewhere and gives me a big hug and I realise that he does love me.  I am still loveable. I am still me and this crazy version of me is not really who I am.  All is right with the world again.  And I still want a baby.

14^th August 2012

Got first appointment at the Fertility Centre tomorrow.  Turns out all the other hospital appointments I had were a diversionary tactic by the NHS – maybe to try and see if anything else would work but more likely to drag it out so I get fed up and go private – which I did do for some things.  Note to others – tell your GP to send you direct to your researched closest NHS fertility Centre and by pass the local hospital who are also full of General Doctors guessing what could be wrong rather than fertility specialists.  If treatment is available to you on the NHS I suggest going for it as fertility treatment is not cheap.

31^st August 2012

It’s been a while and I’m now in much better spirits about the whole thing.  Had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic where they have put me in the diary to start IVF in January!  Aarrggghhh being given a date makes it sound so real.  However I have to have a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy operations – hopefully they will do both at the same time.  I don’t want either but apparently IVF stands a better chance of being successful if they know what’s going on inside there and having a proper look and correcting anything that may need fixing.  Operation has been schedules for  October, and I have a whole host of appointments in the interim, starting with yet another intrauterine ultrasound scan, which for some reason was nowhere as painful as they have been in the past considering the nurse was in there for a lot longer than normal.  I was very crampy afterwards.  But I’m now very excited at the prospect of starting and IVF and have downloaded 2 books to my iPad Kindle App – Zita Wests Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception and Kate Brians Complete Guide to IVF.  I really feel like IVF is the answer to my problems and I’m so desperate for it to work.  I just don’t know how I’ll cope if it doesn’t.

N.B. Its funny how when you tell people of your difficulties getting pregnant they assume it’s because of an untreated STI.  I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who didn’t even know they had Chlamydia.  Yes untreated STI's can and do lead to infertility in women but this is not the reason I can't conceive... So thanks anyway ***Insert eye rolling icon here***

x x

Trying to concieve

I've been wrestling with making my journey public for some time now...  Why there is so much stigma surrounding infertility I don't know and my suffering (for want of a better word) in silence is only adding fuel to this fire.  So I'm speaking about it now, after all 1 in 6 couples will experience difficulty trying to conceive. I've been making journal entries for some time for my own benefit, so I'm going to start sharing some of these entries so you can laugh, cry, commiserate and identify with me whilst I'm on this journey.  So here goes...

2^nd July 2012

Who’d have thought – after years of being on contraception, finally being ready to have a baby and it doesn’t happen.  All my partners’ tests are ok so it’s me.  Unexplained infertility they call it while they carry out more tests, investigations and operations to see what form of treatment I might need.  Have I mentioned how everyone around me is pregnant?  Since I’ve come off the pill (18 months ago) there’s been 3 people at work and 6 friends and relatives including my little sister who is pregnant with her 2^nd and my closest friend who started trying when I finally confided in her the difficulties I was having.  Go figure she gets pregnant the month she stops taking contraception and when she and her partner were arguing – so the sexy time was limited.  Not to mention all the celebrities and people on my commute to work.  I see pregnant women like the little kid in the Sixth Sense saw dead people - all the freakin time.  Is it not enough that you’re pregnant but now you want my seat on the tube as well?

9^th July 2012

It’s official. I now need to try IUI or the more invasive IVF if I’m to have a baby as I definitely need help in order to get pregnant.  I guess I’m over the initial shock and disappointment, because I’m no longer bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes.  Instead I am left feeling like a total failure – why doesn’t my body work?  Seriously, why me?  I’ve never smoked, or taken drugs.  My partner doesn’t even drink much less the other 2.  We are healthy and crazy in love.  Yet obese people, drug takers, alcoholics and smokers get pregnant without even trying.  Accidents.  Mistakes. And here’s me, planning sex like a military operation every month so it’s timed exactly when I ovulate give or take a couple of hours – peeing on sticks and checking vaginal mucus like a gynaecologist and still nothing.  My period arrives and a try to convince myself it could be implantation bleed as its quite light.  And then when it gets heavier throughout the day I convince myself further that a lot of people still had a period even though they were pregnant.  The 4^th BFN kind of confirms that I’m not nor was I ever pregnant – no matter how much I felt my boobs tingling when I put on my over the shoulder boulder holder.  They say karma is a bitch; I must have been a real piece of work in a previous life to deserve this.  I don’t even think I believe in past lives and reincarnation.  Anyhoo – I am officially on the NHS waiting list for IVF which takes 4/5 months in my area.  Luckily where I live, I’m able to have the full 3 cycles recommended by the NICE guidelines. 

Reflection!!

The end of the year is fast approaching and it's a time when people start to review the list of resolutions made with enthusiasm at the start of the year and evaluate how it measures up against the reality of how the year was spent.

This year has been full of ups and downs for me and at times I have procrastinated!  Too many of my plans have gotten sidelined by a big personal distraction that I don't even have any control over.  It's time for me to regroup, refocus and get back into my stride.  I need to remind myself of all the beautiful people and wonderful things that I am blessed with in my life and I need start focussing on the positives.  It's so easy to get caught up in all the things that are going wrong without realising that the negative thought patterns can quickly spiral out of control and before you know it you can wind up in depression. 

I'm currently writing a journal - something I have not done for many years.  It's a good place for me start getting back to my normal self.  I can write down my thoughts and feelings and I think getting them out properly aids the healing and growth that comes with leaving some things, which can be destructive, behind.  Well for me anyway.

x x

The thing with calling someone “a f*****g b***k c**t…

A lot of black people were surprised that John Terry got off.  But then there were a few black people that were not.  There were a lot of white people of the opinion that it was a nonsense trial in the first place and a few were even saying Anton Ferdinand to pay court costs.  (Read the comments section on most news outlets) In actuality it wasn’t Anton Ferdinand that pressed charges it was the police that probed video footage viewed by a lot of people on the internet that brought charges about – so at least that’s something Anton Ferdinand will have to face because in my opinion that would have been an even bigger piss take than the Not Guilty verdict.

It’s funny how Luis Suarez was punished by FIFA for his racial abuse of Patrice Evra – even though there was no video footage and no witnesses.  And it’s funny how people have to call for FIFA to punish John Terry after the Not Guilty verdict.

A lot of people think that the word c**t is more offensive than anything else John Terry said, and that calling Anton Ferdinand “a f*****g b***l c**t” is not racist – just offensive.  As a black person what John Terry said is racist, as well as offensive.  And for those that refuse to see it – let me break it down for you.  Why even utter the word black?  Why not call him a f*****g c**t?  If John Terry had been talking to a white QPR play would he have called them a f*****g w***e c**t?  I don’t think so.  Is it starting to resonate?  Let’s delve a little deeper.  It emerged during the trial that Anton had brought up the fact that John Terry had had an affair with a former team mates girlfriend and that before the racist comment was mentioned, the two were hurling insults at each other.  So it then becomes apparent then that they were riling each other with offensive language.  In continuing the theme of being offensive and insulting John Terry calls Anton Ferdinand “a f*****g B***k c**t”.  This is racist because they were trading insults and being offensive trying to wind each other up, and by bringing colour into the argument he is insulting Anton Ferdinand based on something he perceives as beneath him, something he himself is not and therefore placing himself on a higher standing, superiority.  And therein lies the racism.

The thing with racism as that we are led to believe it’s a thing of the past and doesn’t occur anymore.  In actuality racism still very much exists today – it’s the comments made by David Starkey on the 2011 riots where he said that “white people had become black”, it’s the way the Italian press depicted Mario Balotelli as King Kong, its in the murders of Stephen Lawrence and Anuj Bidve, its in the Eurocentric idea of beauty that is propagandised throughout media.  Just because it’s not as direct as it once was, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  For John Terry to have been found guilty would mean that society as whole would have to look at itself because far too many people didn’t see the racism in what was said so obviously behave in the same manner knowingly or not knowingly that what they are doing is racist and offensive.  I’m sick of hearing the term “the race card” because I feel that racism should be called out every time it happens, especially when it happens to people in the media spotlight, its easy for the lines of what is acceptable and what’s not acceptable to be blurred if it isn’t.  Ethnic Minorities on the receiving end of offensive racial behaviour should be able to call it out without the fear of being told they are – playing a card.  This isn’t a game.  And for the record, saying you have ethnic minority friends does not eliminate you and offensive racist language you use from being racist!

x x

Change is good!!

On the journey that is my life, it is my belief that I have a duty to become a better person.  In order to do this I am constantly growing and evolving – trying to become the best me I can be, for myself and for others.

Wherever this journey takes me and whatever I do, I know that I am striving to never stop learning about myself.  Who I am today is not who I was 20, 15 or even 10 years ago.  Who I will be 10 years from now is not who I am today.  The principals of my character will be the same but I will be a better version of the person you see today.

So with this in mind, how is it possible to have successful relationships when society in general expects you to stay the same?  When Irreconcilable Differences are cited as one of the top reasons for divorce in the western world?  When people are often told that they have changed and it’s meant as a bad thing?

In my opinion you should enter relationships, romantic and otherwise, with the knowledge that you both will change throughout its course, and this is not only a good thing – it’s a great thing.  As with buildings, the foundations are what is key to a successful relationship.  You cannot build anything that is meant to be sustainable if the foundations are weak.  Common core values and ideals are a must.  You cannot have a long standing relationship if your values are different and if your destinations don’t match.  Along with the staples love, trust, honesty and respect, don’t forget the teachings of the Dalai Lama - understanding and compassion.  Whilst you’re growing and evolving so are the people around you.  You may not grow at the same rate or even in the same direction at times because you’re journeys are not one and the same.  But your foundations and your destination are the base that will keep you strong.

Lastly, the notion that you are half of something and need someone in order to complete you need to be thrown out the window.  You are a whole being already, you are enough.  What you need is someone that will come into your life and compliment it, by supporting you, loving you and understanding you – whilst appreciating the fact that you are growing.

x x