It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you… Without a strong rhyme to step to… LOL Anyway enough of Eric B and Rakim (You got Soul) for those that know….

 

It’s been a hot minute since I blogged, I kinda found myself suffering from a blog writing block!  I’ve been semi vocal in the past in my blog about my fertility journey and I was considering creating a separate blog just for that.  It was my partner that said my blog should be about everything and anything I want to write about including the fertility stuff.

I usually find writing about things a cathartic healing process and I know the reason for my writers block.  At the start of this year we started our second cycle of IVF.  This time round things were not as straight forward as the first cycle and at times there doubts as to whether we would even make it through to the end of the treatment cycle.  I stimmed for a bit longer, was on higher doses of meds and on a lot more meds than the first time too.  I was quite poorly towards the end and suffered a bit with over stimulation.  I was very stressed due to some worrying feedback on one of the monitoring scans from a consultant I hope to never see again and during the 2WW our boiler broke down adding to an already chaotic situation.  The treatment failed and although I was kinda expecting it, nothing could prepare me for the shock and devastation I felt.  I was in a very weird place for a very long time.  I had to continue as normal and was just about making it though my working day but I would get home and completely fall apart.  I’d already had so much time off for treatment I didn’t want to continue taking time off – my workplace have been great with me getting the leave I needed.  It didn’t help that 2 work colleagues announced their pregnancies in the weeks after my failed treatment.  While happy for them, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself – why not me?!  Why couldn’t I be hiding the secret of early pregnancy from fertility treatment as I shared their joy?  I knew I would be ok in the near future but in that moment I was soooo not ok. 

That’s when I stumbled upon something called Transcendental Meditation (TM.    I read a book by the mogul Russell Simmons called Success through Stillness, and in it he talks about TM and how it has benefitted him.  At first I was very sceptical but after a few more weeks of being depressed I thought I had nothing to lose by giving it a try.  I arranged to go to an introductory session and by the end of that I was convinced and signed up.  TM is 20 minutes of meditation twice a day using a mantra.  The goal being absolute transcendence between the conscious and subconscious mind.  And it really is that simple.  To say I’m finding TM beneficial is an understatement, and I’ve only been doing it for a few months.  In reality it feels like TM has changed my life.  For the last few years my whole world has been consumed with things fertility – everything I did, read and ate was somehow linked to fertility, improving it and preparing myself for treatments.  Even when I said I was taking a break – it was always right there at the side of my mind – not even at the back of my mind, because it was always there.  TM has helped me to refocus on other areas of my life.  It’s helped me to remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and have achieved in my life.  It’s helped my reduce my stress and anxiety and has helped me to relinquish the unobtainable control I was trying to have on fertility – something which cannot be controlled.  It’s given me back the old me - and for that I’m very grateful!  To find out more about TM please visit the website http://uk.tm.org

Eric B and Rakim - You got soul http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrTfI3f_WLM&feature=kp

x x

On the wheel… Cycle #2 – 27th January

 

So I’m about a third of the way through this second IVF Treatment cycle.  For 4 weeks I was taking a tablet – different from last time – that gave me a couple of horrible side effects.  I was exhausted all the time and I felt nauseous – I just felt like crap all the time.  I’m sure it weekend my immune system because I then caught an awful cold.  My sister kindly informed me this is what I could expect should the treatment be successful this time round – here’s hoping!  Thankfully I’m finally off these tablets but now I start the stimming drugs – the injections to make my ovaries produce more eggs.  Today is day 2 and I’m only on 1 injection at the moment but in a few days I’ll start the other one.  

Alongside these injections I’m on another drug – a steroid which is meant to supress my immune system.  I hate steroids as they come with all manner of side effects, but if they’re going to help me conceive - dammit I’ll do it!  Researching this particular steroid and its uses in IVF has led me to think that my clinic is thinking there’s an immunology reason behind the failure of my first cycle.  The thing is the NHS doesn’t do immunology testing and the steroid drug prescribed is only a small part of the treatment should this be a reason for my unexplained infertility.  Immunology testing is quite taboo and very expensive when done privately and the treatment carried out includes an IVIG transfusion alongside steroids during IVF, and if successful for at least the first trimester of the subsequent pregnancy. 

There’s a lot of talk in the press lately about NHS trusts not following the NICE guidelines and giving people the recommended 3 rounds of IVF on the NHS.  Some people get 1 and some none at all which is so unfair!  I hate when people automatically assume that IVF should not even be given on the NHS – if you have never experienced infertility or known someone who has you have no idea how this isolating and depressing this illness feels.  It is an illness and it can and should be treated.  I’ve mentioned this previously in another post – but I’m lucky enough to live in the ‘right’ postcode where I get all 3 rounds.  However after the failure of the first cycle I was in such a low/depressed state I never thought I would be back here.  Even walking into my clinic yesterday felt like an out of body experience.  Last time I was full of excitement but this time I was full of anxiety and nerves.  I’m terrified of it not working again and this is completely the wrong state of mind to be in during treatment.  I’m going to yoga tonight and I’ve booked reflexology for tomorrow to get myself back into a positive zone!

I’m increasingly worried about my peers - my age and younger, who are led into a false sense of security about their own fertility because they see celebrities like Halle Berry giving birth to her second at 46, Gwen Stefani pregnant with her third at 44 and Rachel Zoe just gave birth to her second at 42.  Whilst I’m an advocate for older mothers I’m very sceptical that there was not a helping hand along the way for some older mothers.  Of course I’m not saying it’s impossible to conceive naturally in your forties – but the likelihood that it will be as easy as would have been in your twenties is not true.  I urge every female delaying having a baby for whatever reason to have their fertility checked out.  Just to be sure that everything is working ok.  You don’t want to get to forty and find out there are issues.  I know first-hand that a regular monthly cycle is not a guarantee that you’re fertile.  It’s not a myth or a scare tactic that female fertility declines with age – it’s a fact.  Never forget that as women we are born with our ovarian reserve of eggs, from the moment we have our first monthly cycle we lose one or two every month.  The older we get, the less eggs we have and the poorer the quality.  A fact that more women who delay motherhood need to be aware of.  No - I’m not suggesting you rush out have unprotected sex to see if you can get pregnant!!  I’m suggesting you visit a private gynaecologist (I don’t think these tests are available on the NHS yet) and have some simple fertility tests done and maybe look into freezing your younger eggs until you’re ready.  Its advice I wish someone had given me in my early thirties.

 

X X

New Year / New Hair

Since embarking on my fertility journey I have become very conscious of what and how I eat.  I’ve made various changes to my diet mainly cutting out caffeine, reducing my dairy intake, eating wheat and gluten free as much as possible and by drinking a Herbalife shake every morning.  I also ensure I cook all my meals from scratch and at lunch times where I used to buy readymade soups and things I have stopped.  If I make soup at home it will last less than a week in the fridge so why would I buy a fresh soup from the supermarket that expires after a month?  I’m very wary of all the  added extra’s in the food we eat especially in the food labelled as healthy.  I’m not a complete health nut – everything in moderation is key and I never restrict or deny myself.  I eat what I like I’m just more aware what it is I am eating.

This new way of eating has led me to thinking about my hair.  For the last 10 years or so, I have worn my hair relaxed but as with eating rubbish, this phase is also coming to an end.  As I’ve grown so conscious of what I put inside my body I am also becoming conscious of what I am subliminally putting in my body via my scalp. I was asked a year or so ago why I relaxed my hair and to this day I still do not have an answer.  It’s just something I do – by why do I do it?  For what purpose?   I usually relax my hair myself, applying Vaseline as barrier all around my hairline and scalp.  I know of course the cardinal rules of relaxing - not to scratch your scalp in the days leading up to relaxing and to never ever relax clean hair.  These rules and also doing it myself in my own environment, has meant that I have not suffered burns like some people have experienced. 

I’m highly aware of all the natural hair blogs and all the talk of natural hair journeys, and I can’t lie, I’ve often rolled my eyes at these sentiments and terms of endearments.  I completely understand that for some making the decision to go natural after many adult years spent weaving or relaxing or anything else is a big deal and so I’m glad that support is there where needed.  As a relaxed hair wearer I couldn’t help but sense the air of superiority from the naturals around me.  And why not – in these times of conflicting beauty ideals and body dysmorphic disorders it’s high time we are confirmable not only in our skin but also in our hair.  As a black woman who is comfortable in the skin and body I’m in, it means that it’s high time I get back to be being comfortable in my natural hair the way it grows naturally from my scalp. 

x x

IVF Cyle #1 - Fail :(

22^nd April

My first IVF Cycle went as well as can be expected.  Aside from some minor freak outs during the medication taking and thinking every time some leaked out that I was scuppering my chances – it was quite text book and thankfully was not cancelled.  I had 12 eggs collected, 8 of which fertilized overnight with my partners super sperm.  I had 2 embryos transferred after 3 days.  Of the balance 6 none made it to 5 day blast stage so I had none to freeze – gutted.  Unfortunately my text book cycle didn’t result in a pregnancy – super gutted.  And I found this out on the day that Sir Robert Edwards the founding father/ The daddy of IVF died.  I took at HPT the day before my blood test and it was negative so I was prepared for the official news from my fertility clinic the next day.  So once again all my imagined symptoms – cramping and sore boobs were just symptoms of the Progesterone pessaries I had to shove up my jacksy twice a day.  (No one ever said fertility treatment was easy.)  What did I learn from my IVF experience?  I’m not going to sugar coat it – because it is a lot and it is not easy!  And I was on the short protocol – so it could have been worse and a lot longer!  The hormones you’re taking magnify all your moods tenfold – think of PMS but worse.  I took the stimming drugs for exactly 2 weeks which consisted of Gonal F injections every evening at 9pm and from day 5 Cetrotide every morning at 7.30am.  Yes you do have to take them at the exact same time every day.  Then I had to Trigger with Ovitrelle at 11.30pm - 2 days before my Egg Collection surgery.  Not bad as I hear some people are told to trigger in the small hours of the morning.  I was however at The Show when I had to trigger – that’s the Blackstreet, Dru Hill, Changing Faces, Damage and Jodeci concert.  My partner shielding my upper thigh while I whipped out my injection.  Don’t even ask about trying to get it passed security.  As a lot of the IVF medication has to be refrigerated I had to transport my trigger shot in an ice pack to the venue.  Fun times!!  I got used to injecting myself and was a dab hand by the end – always remembering my diabetic sister when I was doing one – she has to take insulin 4 times a day.  The worst part of the experience aside from the negative test and the depression that descended afterwards – was the progesterone pessaries that I had to take.  If the treatment had of worked I would have had to take those for the first 12 weeks as well as refrain from sex for the first 12 weeks!!  Yoikes!!  It’s a wonder it really is because women who get pregnant naturally do not have to deal with either of those or any other restrictions in their pregnancies that are common place with IVFers. 

So after years of trying to conceive and then waiting for the IVF treatment I find myself back at square one – childless and broody and getting older.  Will I do IVF again?  I don’t know.  I’m still getting over the experience and if it didn’t work again I’m not sure I could handle it.  Its one of those things you think is going to work, it’s the solution to infertility but in all actually it’s not really like that.  Realistically first time IVF has very low success rates as it’s usually a trial to test how you respond to medication.  Does this mean a second attempt will be successful – who knows?  I’m not getting any younger and my ovarian reserve is already low so while I wait for my follow up appointment I’m left wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently – maybe I should have rested more, been on complete bed rest after Embryo Transfer, should I have drank more water, should I not have insisted on acupuncture on the day of embryo transfer.  I don’t really know if anything I did or didn’t do specifically caused what appeared to be a great cycle to fail at the last hurdle.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do going forward that will improve my chances for success in the future.  I admire the many women I have met whilst on my journey who have done IVF many, many times in the hopes of conceiving.  What I do know is I need a break from the fertility treadmill I’ve been running on for the last few years.  Starting with a holiday!

x x

Countdown

29^th November 2012

Yesterday’s appointment was a bad one.  This was the last appointment before IVF actually starts in January.  And it’s in this appointment they choose to tell me I have polycystic ovaries and low AMH levels as well as my blocked tube.  The very first time I had an internal ultrasound the result showed fluid around my ovary and when the test was repeated it had gone.  However both those tests were carried out at clinics rather than fertility clinics so they were not looking for anything specific.  The scan at the Fertility Clinic which I had about 4 months ago was more detailed.  So for 4 months they tell me that everything is fine.  And yesterday they tell me, oh by the way you have PCOS.  WTF?  I’m used to crying in all my appointments so it’s no surprise that I cried at that new news.  Coupled with the low AMH levels I was not in the best of moods yesterday.  The AMH levels measure ovarian reserve and being told that mine are low going into IVF was not great.  They have to adjust the protocol they put me on and I’m now going to be on the Antagonistic Protocol. So that’s my bedtime reading for the next few weeks sorted while I wait for January. 

A woman is born with her ovarian reserve of eggs - and once she starts her period she loses one or two a month until the menopause.  During this time the quality as well as the quantity declines.  When they say a woman’s fertility reduces with age this is what they mean and this should not be taken lightly.

I read something funny today in another one of those IVF books I’ve been reading.  Anyone who has been through infertility will be able to identify with this.  A lady said it’s her automatic reaction now whenever she has a doctor’s appointment to remove her knickers!  I remember the days I used to dread smear tests.  I’ve had so many foreign objects inserted into me for varying reasons at regular intervals on this journey, that I think its second nature to take your knickers off, get on a table and spread your legs with your heels together.

15th January

So I decided to volunteer with Infertility Network UK.  My infertility journey has been pretty isolating - aside from my immediate family and a couple of close friends I have not told anyone what has been going on.  I'm getting better at sharing but it’s still hard.  A lot of people are of the view that if you can’t get pregnant well its not meant to be and just get on with it.  Infertility is not seen as illness that actually has cures.  People think you’re selfish and just don’t understand and on top of that you already feel like crap because everyone else can do it but you.  As I know how lonely it can feel I want to help others going through the same/similar things and let them know they're not alone.  IN UK helped me a lot when I needed it the most and so I’d like to return the favour.

A woman on BBC Breakfast wound me up this morning, the segment was about children’s ages at school and if being born in the summer, therefore younger than the rest of the class actually affects their education.  This woman says she planned her conceptions so her children would be born in winter so they wouldn't be the youngest in the class.  Planned conception you know!  Well bully for you!  (Bitch)

17th January

I tried to leave some IN UK pamphlets and posters at my GP's surgery and they wouldn't accept them.  They said unless its NHS funded they can't accept them.  Even though its a charity run organisation.  Weird.  I felt quite unsupported by my GP especially when I saw a pregnant one telling me to relax and it will happen ofter a year.  There is no understanding about infertility even from GP's.  If the statistics are correct and one in six couples does go though this, then while you’re in your GP's waiting room it would be nice to glance up and see an IN UK poster or pamphlet offering support.  Trust me my GP has not heard the end of this.  I'm going to write to the practice manager.  There will be IN UK posters in my GP's surgery **Waving fist in the air**

 

x x

"Insane in the membrane...."

6^th August 2012

I think I’m losing the plot.  My low opinion of myself and my ill functioning body parts are turning me into nutjob.  I’m paranoid and think my partner is obviously cheating on me.  Why would he not be?  I’m barren and crazy and only want to have sex at specific times of the month.  There’s no spontaneity in our relationship anymore and all I talk about is babies and why I’m not pregnant.  I’m not fun anymore and I’m less secure in myself.  I don’t like me so obviously he doesn’t like me.  He’ll find a young fertile girl and leave me soon.  Obviously these are not thoughts I express to him or (anyone else) – they just go around in my head driving me further insane.  Then I come home from work and he’s bought me a little present or tidied the mess he left somewhere and gives me a big hug and I realise that he does love me.  I am still loveable. I am still me and this crazy version of me is not really who I am.  All is right with the world again.  And I still want a baby.

14^th August 2012

Got first appointment at the Fertility Centre tomorrow.  Turns out all the other hospital appointments I had were a diversionary tactic by the NHS – maybe to try and see if anything else would work but more likely to drag it out so I get fed up and go private – which I did do for some things.  Note to others – tell your GP to send you direct to your researched closest NHS fertility Centre and by pass the local hospital who are also full of General Doctors guessing what could be wrong rather than fertility specialists.  If treatment is available to you on the NHS I suggest going for it as fertility treatment is not cheap.

31^st August 2012

It’s been a while and I’m now in much better spirits about the whole thing.  Had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic where they have put me in the diary to start IVF in January!  Aarrggghhh being given a date makes it sound so real.  However I have to have a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy operations – hopefully they will do both at the same time.  I don’t want either but apparently IVF stands a better chance of being successful if they know what’s going on inside there and having a proper look and correcting anything that may need fixing.  Operation has been schedules for  October, and I have a whole host of appointments in the interim, starting with yet another intrauterine ultrasound scan, which for some reason was nowhere as painful as they have been in the past considering the nurse was in there for a lot longer than normal.  I was very crampy afterwards.  But I’m now very excited at the prospect of starting and IVF and have downloaded 2 books to my iPad Kindle App – Zita Wests Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception and Kate Brians Complete Guide to IVF.  I really feel like IVF is the answer to my problems and I’m so desperate for it to work.  I just don’t know how I’ll cope if it doesn’t.

N.B. Its funny how when you tell people of your difficulties getting pregnant they assume it’s because of an untreated STI.  I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who didn’t even know they had Chlamydia.  Yes untreated STI's can and do lead to infertility in women but this is not the reason I can't conceive... So thanks anyway ***Insert eye rolling icon here***

x x

Trying to concieve

I've been wrestling with making my journey public for some time now...  Why there is so much stigma surrounding infertility I don't know and my suffering (for want of a better word) in silence is only adding fuel to this fire.  So I'm speaking about it now, after all 1 in 6 couples will experience difficulty trying to conceive. I've been making journal entries for some time for my own benefit, so I'm going to start sharing some of these entries so you can laugh, cry, commiserate and identify with me whilst I'm on this journey.  So here goes...

2^nd July 2012

Who’d have thought – after years of being on contraception, finally being ready to have a baby and it doesn’t happen.  All my partners’ tests are ok so it’s me.  Unexplained infertility they call it while they carry out more tests, investigations and operations to see what form of treatment I might need.  Have I mentioned how everyone around me is pregnant?  Since I’ve come off the pill (18 months ago) there’s been 3 people at work and 6 friends and relatives including my little sister who is pregnant with her 2^nd and my closest friend who started trying when I finally confided in her the difficulties I was having.  Go figure she gets pregnant the month she stops taking contraception and when she and her partner were arguing – so the sexy time was limited.  Not to mention all the celebrities and people on my commute to work.  I see pregnant women like the little kid in the Sixth Sense saw dead people - all the freakin time.  Is it not enough that you’re pregnant but now you want my seat on the tube as well?

9^th July 2012

It’s official. I now need to try IUI or the more invasive IVF if I’m to have a baby as I definitely need help in order to get pregnant.  I guess I’m over the initial shock and disappointment, because I’m no longer bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes.  Instead I am left feeling like a total failure – why doesn’t my body work?  Seriously, why me?  I’ve never smoked, or taken drugs.  My partner doesn’t even drink much less the other 2.  We are healthy and crazy in love.  Yet obese people, drug takers, alcoholics and smokers get pregnant without even trying.  Accidents.  Mistakes. And here’s me, planning sex like a military operation every month so it’s timed exactly when I ovulate give or take a couple of hours – peeing on sticks and checking vaginal mucus like a gynaecologist and still nothing.  My period arrives and a try to convince myself it could be implantation bleed as its quite light.  And then when it gets heavier throughout the day I convince myself further that a lot of people still had a period even though they were pregnant.  The 4^th BFN kind of confirms that I’m not nor was I ever pregnant – no matter how much I felt my boobs tingling when I put on my over the shoulder boulder holder.  They say karma is a bitch; I must have been a real piece of work in a previous life to deserve this.  I don’t even think I believe in past lives and reincarnation.  Anyhoo – I am officially on the NHS waiting list for IVF which takes 4/5 months in my area.  Luckily where I live, I’m able to have the full 3 cycles recommended by the NICE guidelines. 

Reflection!!

The end of the year is fast approaching and it's a time when people start to review the list of resolutions made with enthusiasm at the start of the year and evaluate how it measures up against the reality of how the year was spent.

This year has been full of ups and downs for me and at times I have procrastinated!  Too many of my plans have gotten sidelined by a big personal distraction that I don't even have any control over.  It's time for me to regroup, refocus and get back into my stride.  I need to remind myself of all the beautiful people and wonderful things that I am blessed with in my life and I need start focussing on the positives.  It's so easy to get caught up in all the things that are going wrong without realising that the negative thought patterns can quickly spiral out of control and before you know it you can wind up in depression. 

I'm currently writing a journal - something I have not done for many years.  It's a good place for me start getting back to my normal self.  I can write down my thoughts and feelings and I think getting them out properly aids the healing and growth that comes with leaving some things, which can be destructive, behind.  Well for me anyway.

x x

The thing with calling someone “a f*****g b***k c**t…

A lot of black people were surprised that John Terry got off.  But then there were a few black people that were not.  There were a lot of white people of the opinion that it was a nonsense trial in the first place and a few were even saying Anton Ferdinand to pay court costs.  (Read the comments section on most news outlets) In actuality it wasn’t Anton Ferdinand that pressed charges it was the police that probed video footage viewed by a lot of people on the internet that brought charges about – so at least that’s something Anton Ferdinand will have to face because in my opinion that would have been an even bigger piss take than the Not Guilty verdict.

It’s funny how Luis Suarez was punished by FIFA for his racial abuse of Patrice Evra – even though there was no video footage and no witnesses.  And it’s funny how people have to call for FIFA to punish John Terry after the Not Guilty verdict.

A lot of people think that the word c**t is more offensive than anything else John Terry said, and that calling Anton Ferdinand “a f*****g b***l c**t” is not racist – just offensive.  As a black person what John Terry said is racist, as well as offensive.  And for those that refuse to see it – let me break it down for you.  Why even utter the word black?  Why not call him a f*****g c**t?  If John Terry had been talking to a white QPR play would he have called them a f*****g w***e c**t?  I don’t think so.  Is it starting to resonate?  Let’s delve a little deeper.  It emerged during the trial that Anton had brought up the fact that John Terry had had an affair with a former team mates girlfriend and that before the racist comment was mentioned, the two were hurling insults at each other.  So it then becomes apparent then that they were riling each other with offensive language.  In continuing the theme of being offensive and insulting John Terry calls Anton Ferdinand “a f*****g B***k c**t”.  This is racist because they were trading insults and being offensive trying to wind each other up, and by bringing colour into the argument he is insulting Anton Ferdinand based on something he perceives as beneath him, something he himself is not and therefore placing himself on a higher standing, superiority.  And therein lies the racism.

The thing with racism as that we are led to believe it’s a thing of the past and doesn’t occur anymore.  In actuality racism still very much exists today – it’s the comments made by David Starkey on the 2011 riots where he said that “white people had become black”, it’s the way the Italian press depicted Mario Balotelli as King Kong, its in the murders of Stephen Lawrence and Anuj Bidve, its in the Eurocentric idea of beauty that is propagandised throughout media.  Just because it’s not as direct as it once was, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  For John Terry to have been found guilty would mean that society as whole would have to look at itself because far too many people didn’t see the racism in what was said so obviously behave in the same manner knowingly or not knowingly that what they are doing is racist and offensive.  I’m sick of hearing the term “the race card” because I feel that racism should be called out every time it happens, especially when it happens to people in the media spotlight, its easy for the lines of what is acceptable and what’s not acceptable to be blurred if it isn’t.  Ethnic Minorities on the receiving end of offensive racial behaviour should be able to call it out without the fear of being told they are – playing a card.  This isn’t a game.  And for the record, saying you have ethnic minority friends does not eliminate you and offensive racist language you use from being racist!

x x

Change is good!!

On the journey that is my life, it is my belief that I have a duty to become a better person.  In order to do this I am constantly growing and evolving – trying to become the best me I can be, for myself and for others.

Wherever this journey takes me and whatever I do, I know that I am striving to never stop learning about myself.  Who I am today is not who I was 20, 15 or even 10 years ago.  Who I will be 10 years from now is not who I am today.  The principals of my character will be the same but I will be a better version of the person you see today.

So with this in mind, how is it possible to have successful relationships when society in general expects you to stay the same?  When Irreconcilable Differences are cited as one of the top reasons for divorce in the western world?  When people are often told that they have changed and it’s meant as a bad thing?

In my opinion you should enter relationships, romantic and otherwise, with the knowledge that you both will change throughout its course, and this is not only a good thing – it’s a great thing.  As with buildings, the foundations are what is key to a successful relationship.  You cannot build anything that is meant to be sustainable if the foundations are weak.  Common core values and ideals are a must.  You cannot have a long standing relationship if your values are different and if your destinations don’t match.  Along with the staples love, trust, honesty and respect, don’t forget the teachings of the Dalai Lama - understanding and compassion.  Whilst you’re growing and evolving so are the people around you.  You may not grow at the same rate or even in the same direction at times because you’re journeys are not one and the same.  But your foundations and your destination are the base that will keep you strong.

Lastly, the notion that you are half of something and need someone in order to complete you need to be thrown out the window.  You are a whole being already, you are enough.  What you need is someone that will come into your life and compliment it, by supporting you, loving you and understanding you – whilst appreciating the fact that you are growing.

x x

Free your mind - and the rest will follow

“You are responsible for how you feel no matter what someone does to you. Remember you are always in control of your thoughts - so choose to feel confident and adequate rather than angry and insecure” 

I believe I am the keeper of my own destiny.  Although I cannot control everything I am willing to control the things that I can.  Mainly my perceptions, my attitude, my thoughts and my feelings.  Shit happens all the time and I can choose to wallow in it or pick up myself up and keep it moving.  There’s not point moaning about your job when you’re not doing anything to change the situation.  There’s no point moaning about being single when you’re not dating or doing anything to meet new people.  There is no point moaning about life and then doing the exact the same things and not changing anything.

It’s not until my early thirties that I really began the question the meaning of life and why I am here.  What’s it all for and what’s it all about.  We live in such a materialistic society that it’s easy for us to be autonomous as humans.  Easy to live completely for ourselves with just a fleeting and detached passing thought for others and even when things appear to be glaringly obvious cries for help, we’re able to distance ourselves and look down other people without any shred of compassion or understanding.

I’m now seeking a path of enlightenment and self awareness.  I’m practising yoga daily and trying to keep myself in tune with the universe and keep my spirit on an even keel and at a safe equilibrium.  I’m finding myself on meditation retreats with my local wellness centre – learning how to meditate and zone out of negative situations that occur.  My life needs to be stress free not just right now but at all times.  I do not need to absorb the negativity around me.  I find that stressful working environments cause us to absorb the negativity of others to our own detriment.  We don’t even realise we are doing it half the time and hence my need to step outside of myself sometimes.  It’s in these times of quite stillness and solitude that I find I am able to connect with myself on a deeper level – remembering who I am as a person without the outside influences of who I think I need to be.  I believe this is something we all should do because at the moment we are all lost – not just the people that are blatantly acting out like the rioters or the rogue American Soldier - all of us.

x x

Quotes

I find quotes very inspirational.  We all need help keeping our spirits elevated, especially in times of struggle.  For me a few simple words, a positive affirmation helps to keep me grounded and makes me feel better when I am feeling low.  A few of my favourite quotes are;

Of all things you wear – your expression is the most important. Anon.

Celebrate what you’ve accomplished but raise the bar a little higher each time you succeed.  Mia Hamm.

Years wrinkle the skin but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Unknown.

Do not seek the because – in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.  Anais Nin.

I’m not happy – I’m cheerful.  There’s a difference.  A happy woman has no cares at all.  A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them.  Beverly Sills.

Beauty captures your attention but personality captures your soul.  Anon.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.  Voltaire.

It’s not the load that breaks you down.  It’s the way you carry it.  Lena Horne.

Never grow a wishbone where a backbone should be.  Clementine Paddleford.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.  Harriet Beecher Stowe.

Goals are dreams with deadlines.  Diana Scharf Hunt.

I can do no great things, only small things with great love.  Mother Theresa.

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do something I can do.  Helen Keller.

If you think you are too small to make an impact – try going to bed with a mosquito.  Anita Roddick.

x x

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

I care not what anyone thinks – I love Christmas!!  It IS the most time wonderful time of the year. 

Of course there are increasing numbers of people who refuse to buy into the propaganda and commercialism of it all, and not forgetting those who are more than happy to tell all about its pagan origins.  However, as someone who was brought up as Christian, to me it will always mean Jesus’ birthday and a time for family, friends and love. 

Over the years I have wondered where the message and the religious aspects of Christmas have disappeared to.  In England I feel in trying to be PC and ensure everyone and other religions are comfortable here, we forget that we are Christian country.  I will never refer to Christmas as the holidays as they do across the pond, and is becoming more popular here.  And as someone who does believe in God I will never dismiss Christmas as only a pagan festival.

Christmas has always been special to me and the older I get hasn’t changed.  If anything it’s become more important – it’s the time of year where my family – immediate and extended come together.  It’s a time of year where I get to see friends that I don’t get to see all the time anymore as our lives take on different courses and directions.  It’s a time of joy and happiness and laughter.  It’s a time of togetherness and appreciating what I have.  And it’s a time that makes me feel blessed.  And when I feel blessed how can I not think of God?  And when I think of God – I think of Jesus. 

Happy birthday!

x x

The rise of the period / costume drama

Recently I’ve noticed the rise of the period drama in the film and television world.  Dramas set at the turn of the last century in Europe.  The Tudors and more recently The Borgias, Downton Abbey, the film adaptation of Jane Eyre.  Don’t get me wrong I love the Borgias and can easily see myself getting addicted to Downton Abbey.  However the message that speaks volumes to me about these programs is for once nothing to do with fashion and the beautiful gilded costumes the period brings, but the subliminal message it sends to ethnic minority actors.

  

A hundred plus years ago there were hardly any ethnic minorities visible in Europe, so with the rise of the period drama and in order to maintain authenticity to the era, it feels as though this is a subliminal way to reduce the number of ethnic minorities on screen.

For a long time ethnic minority actors, directors, producers and writers have worked hard to bring diversity to the film and television industry.  Although a role may have been devised with a specific person in mind, it should be colourless in the sense that any actor as long as they are good should be able to fit into the role and play that character – isn’t that what good acting is? 

I might be being paranoid but I think it was Kurt Cobain who was said “Just because you’re paranoid – it doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.”

So long Fabregas… Adios Nasri…

Finally… After 4 years of will he / won’t he Cesc Fabregas has made the 35m move from Arsenal to his home club Barcelona.

(Side note – have you noticed that Febregas spell checks as Fibreglass?)  Quite fitting considering I can’t recall when he last played a full season for the Gunners.

If I said Fab wouldn’t be missed I’d obviously be lying – the guy is a genius on the pitch, when on top physical form.  But the farce his leaving descended into every transfer window for the last few years was getting beyond a joke.  It reminded me of the debacle of Thierry Henry’s leaving.  Why there has to be such a big song and dance about it – I don’t know.  In the end I could be forgiven for the many times I said to myself “Just piss of then!”

With Samir Nasri set to make the same cardinal sin as Emmanuel Adebayor and Kolo Toure before him –deflecting to Manchester City - it appears Arsenals hopes of ending the trophy drought are in shreds before the season has really even kicked off.  (Pessimistic maybe but I prefer to call myself a realist - last year I expected big things and where did that get me?)  With a ravaged midfield, a poor defence and a lone injury prone striker we can only hope that Arsene Wenger actually spends the money from these sales wisely - bringing in not only the players needed to compete, but the experience necessary to do so too.

The football season is never easy but when you’re an Arsenal fan it always seems that little bit tougher.

x x

London Riots 2011…

I’m disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed to be a Londoner. 

I work hard and have done all my life – trying to better myself every step of the way with the opportunities presented and I’m surrounded by other people doing the same.

Never forgetting for a moment the struggles my grandparents went through when they first came to London, England – The Mother Land – from their native Jamaica.  Coming here for a better way of life only to be greeted by hate and abuse and shut out of the very society they were led to believe they were a part of back home through colonization. 

When my grandfather came here he couldn’t rent a room, couldn’t get a bank account and could barely get a job.  Suffered racial abuse daily but still managed to buy a house and hold down a job by saving up money in a ‘pardna’.  He suffered hardships and difficulties the youth of today wouldn’t even know where to begin to comprehend.  But he struggled through raising his family here to the best of his abilities.  When he was alive I was reminded that things have changed greatly since when he was first here – but there is still a way to go.

The violence that has erupted on the streets of London over the last few days upsets and angers me because it is incited by greed.  Hoards of youth running around stealing trainers, computers and mobile phones.  I’ve been told to see the bigger picture and it’s about them fighting the system and the attitude of the police towards the youth and ethnic minorities.  If they have a problem with the police and the government and the “system” why are they shitting where they eat?  Why not take this fight to the doorstep of your local Police Station or Downing Street or Parliament or run amuck through

Oxford Street

?  Places where the powers that be will have to take note and listen sharpish to your voices.  Because they’re not stupid – trash any of those areas and they will be water cannoned or shot or hogtied before you can fart.  If people have points to make and concerns to voice, now is the time else this will have all been pointless and all this chaos is going to do is set the divide between the disenfranchised youth and the rest of society even further apart. 

The only victims of this madness so far have been innocent hardworking people – small business owners, homeowners and terrified residents afraid for their homes and their safety.  Once the dust finally settles and the cost of these riots has been calculated Council Tax and Insurance costs will soar, house prices will fall and these same already deprived inner city areas, will have even less funding for regeneration and an even bigger lack of investment for the future.

x x

Things that make you go hmmm…

Yesterday (3^rd August) the transport minister said that Londoners should walk or cycle to work during the 2012 London Olympics to ease congestion on London Transport.  This made me laugh out loud and spew my cereal over the table!! 

The Transport Minister and the Mayor should come with me on my daily commute on the lovely Victoria and District lines and see how feasible that suggestion really is.  Could it be that the penny has finally dropped, and the powers that be realise London Underground can barely cope with the hundreds and thousands of Londoners commuting to work on a daily basis without the addition of millions of tourists coming to town for the Olympics?  Not a day goes by that there isn’t some form of delay or overrunning engineering works on any one of the 12 LU lines.  And let’s not forget the stopping in tunnels and on platforms to regulate the service coupled with the overcrowding. 

Since we won the Olympic bid back in 2005, a lot of time, effort and money has gone into regenerating East London and the building the Olympic Park, but only a cosmetic upgrade has been slowly taken place on the London Transport Network which really should have been at the forefront of the whole operation.  How else do they expect all the people coming to the city to get around?

The fact that many Londoners and UK residents (me included) missed out Olympic tickets only adds to the farce that this is descending into.  And the latest titbit of advice from the Transport Minster is a joke worthy of any comedian on 8 out of 10 cats.

Hmmm indeed!!

Smiley Culture 1963 -2011

Whether you knew him personally or remembered his music from the eighties – everyone was shocked by the untimely death of Smiley Culture on Tuesday 15^th March.  When I heard Smiley was dead the lyrics to Cockney Translation popped into my head – the song still makes me smile.

As news of his death spread across social networking sights Facebook and Twitter – it’s the details surrounding his death, or lack thereof, that has caused concern. 

Smiley Culture’s home was raided by police on the morning on Tuesday 15^th March, and a few hours later he was pronounced dead at the scene, with initial reports alleging that he had harmed himself.  A post mortem has since revealed that a single stab wound through the heart was the cause of his death.

The family is still waiting for the facts of what happened to be explained to them and their questions to be answered, and the delay of this information is fueling speculation of foul play.  A press conference was held on the 17^th March by the family, and press from the main media outlets were missing, which hasn’t gone unnoticed.  It begs the question, had this of happened to someone without Smiley’s public profile would we even be made aware of it?

The family and the wider community deserve to know what happened.  They are not asking for much, just what we all deserve as a standard – Truth and Justice.

A public meeting is scheduled to be held on Thursday 24^th March 2011, 7pm – 8.30pm at Lambeth Town Hall.

Join the Facebook Page www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=118725288203991&_rdr

Watch the hour long press conference here http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13375130

The life of a Gooner

It's tough being an Arsenal fan. 

A month ago we had the usual spate of injuries that regularly plague our first team players, but we had all the enthusiasm in the world and four trophies to play for - albeit one that included playing Barcelona - probbaly the best team in the world. 

Four weeks later and we're srcambling around looking for for a Goalkeeper and have only one last chance at a piece of silverwear.  The latest defeat coming aginst league table leaders Man U at Old Trafford, and saw us kicked out of the FA Cup. 

I've been an Arsenal fan for as long as I can remember and I'm a Gooner for life as I always say - but it does beg the question - Is beautiful football enough?  Every year Arsene Wenger gets us top four of the league with CL qualification but surely I'm not the only fan that thinks something has got to give?  Of course I appreciate his style of traning up the youngsters and the beautiful way we play and pass the ball - but if we're not winning doesn't that mean it's not working...?  We need experience and a few key quality players at the back and up front in order to be a team to reckoned with.  Our defence is poor and as much as I love RVP and Fabulous Fabregas - they are injury prone and easily spend half the season on the bench.  My favourite players at the moment are Alex Song, Johan Djourou and Jack Wilshire, but I worry about how long we can keep them before other clubs start knocking.  Other clubs that have the winning mentality we seem to lose in every crucial game.

Every February / March our season crumbles and we add another trophyless season to the collection - five and counting.  I know the season is not over and one should have faith that the league is ours for the taking - but I'm a realist and I'm struggling with confidence after recent defeats. 

Roll on summer transfer window and the hopes that Wengers short arms stretch into his deep pockets.

x x

International Womens Day!!

Whilst I am excited today to celebrate the great women that have helped me to be come the woman I am - I had niggling feeling in the back of my mind that this is very much a mans world, and we had been given this one day out of 365.

My perspective was wrong though - and its a day for everyone else to recognize and celebrate the great women in their lives and the great women who have touched their lives.  A bit like Mother's Day and Father's Day.  We love our parents all year round but these two days are there for us to make them feel special and appreciated because maybe they are not made to feel that way all of the time.  Similarly with Valentines Day - everyone agrees until the cows come home that its commercial nonsense.  But how many of us feel loved and special when we get that card or that bouquet of red roses - that signifies that I may not say I love you everyday of the year but this day is for me to show you that I do.

International Women’s Day is a day that should be recognized globally, so little girls the world over can see that they can do and be anything they want - like the great women before them.  It is day that men and boys can appreciate that we bring more to the table than something aesthetically pleasing on the eye.  We are strong, determined, intelligent, capable as well as elegant and beautiful. 

For me today I give special thanks to all women who have touched my life from Chaka Khan who was on iPod this morning singing "I'm every woman" to Iyanla Vanzant who's books truly changed my life.  The most important woman in my life is my mum because she was the first woman in my world and her love and support and kindness is the main reason I am who I am today.

x x