It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you… Without a strong rhyme to step to… LOL Anyway enough of Eric B and Rakim (You got Soul) for those that know….

 

It’s been a hot minute since I blogged, I kinda found myself suffering from a blog writing block!  I’ve been semi vocal in the past in my blog about my fertility journey and I was considering creating a separate blog just for that.  It was my partner that said my blog should be about everything and anything I want to write about including the fertility stuff.

I usually find writing about things a cathartic healing process and I know the reason for my writers block.  At the start of this year we started our second cycle of IVF.  This time round things were not as straight forward as the first cycle and at times there doubts as to whether we would even make it through to the end of the treatment cycle.  I stimmed for a bit longer, was on higher doses of meds and on a lot more meds than the first time too.  I was quite poorly towards the end and suffered a bit with over stimulation.  I was very stressed due to some worrying feedback on one of the monitoring scans from a consultant I hope to never see again and during the 2WW our boiler broke down adding to an already chaotic situation.  The treatment failed and although I was kinda expecting it, nothing could prepare me for the shock and devastation I felt.  I was in a very weird place for a very long time.  I had to continue as normal and was just about making it though my working day but I would get home and completely fall apart.  I’d already had so much time off for treatment I didn’t want to continue taking time off – my workplace have been great with me getting the leave I needed.  It didn’t help that 2 work colleagues announced their pregnancies in the weeks after my failed treatment.  While happy for them, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself – why not me?!  Why couldn’t I be hiding the secret of early pregnancy from fertility treatment as I shared their joy?  I knew I would be ok in the near future but in that moment I was soooo not ok. 

That’s when I stumbled upon something called Transcendental Meditation (TM.    I read a book by the mogul Russell Simmons called Success through Stillness, and in it he talks about TM and how it has benefitted him.  At first I was very sceptical but after a few more weeks of being depressed I thought I had nothing to lose by giving it a try.  I arranged to go to an introductory session and by the end of that I was convinced and signed up.  TM is 20 minutes of meditation twice a day using a mantra.  The goal being absolute transcendence between the conscious and subconscious mind.  And it really is that simple.  To say I’m finding TM beneficial is an understatement, and I’ve only been doing it for a few months.  In reality it feels like TM has changed my life.  For the last few years my whole world has been consumed with things fertility – everything I did, read and ate was somehow linked to fertility, improving it and preparing myself for treatments.  Even when I said I was taking a break – it was always right there at the side of my mind – not even at the back of my mind, because it was always there.  TM has helped me to refocus on other areas of my life.  It’s helped me to remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and have achieved in my life.  It’s helped my reduce my stress and anxiety and has helped me to relinquish the unobtainable control I was trying to have on fertility – something which cannot be controlled.  It’s given me back the old me - and for that I’m very grateful!  To find out more about TM please visit the website http://uk.tm.org

Eric B and Rakim - You got soul http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrTfI3f_WLM&feature=kp

x x

On the wheel… Cycle #2 – 27th January

 

So I’m about a third of the way through this second IVF Treatment cycle.  For 4 weeks I was taking a tablet – different from last time – that gave me a couple of horrible side effects.  I was exhausted all the time and I felt nauseous – I just felt like crap all the time.  I’m sure it weekend my immune system because I then caught an awful cold.  My sister kindly informed me this is what I could expect should the treatment be successful this time round – here’s hoping!  Thankfully I’m finally off these tablets but now I start the stimming drugs – the injections to make my ovaries produce more eggs.  Today is day 2 and I’m only on 1 injection at the moment but in a few days I’ll start the other one.  

Alongside these injections I’m on another drug – a steroid which is meant to supress my immune system.  I hate steroids as they come with all manner of side effects, but if they’re going to help me conceive - dammit I’ll do it!  Researching this particular steroid and its uses in IVF has led me to think that my clinic is thinking there’s an immunology reason behind the failure of my first cycle.  The thing is the NHS doesn’t do immunology testing and the steroid drug prescribed is only a small part of the treatment should this be a reason for my unexplained infertility.  Immunology testing is quite taboo and very expensive when done privately and the treatment carried out includes an IVIG transfusion alongside steroids during IVF, and if successful for at least the first trimester of the subsequent pregnancy. 

There’s a lot of talk in the press lately about NHS trusts not following the NICE guidelines and giving people the recommended 3 rounds of IVF on the NHS.  Some people get 1 and some none at all which is so unfair!  I hate when people automatically assume that IVF should not even be given on the NHS – if you have never experienced infertility or known someone who has you have no idea how this isolating and depressing this illness feels.  It is an illness and it can and should be treated.  I’ve mentioned this previously in another post – but I’m lucky enough to live in the ‘right’ postcode where I get all 3 rounds.  However after the failure of the first cycle I was in such a low/depressed state I never thought I would be back here.  Even walking into my clinic yesterday felt like an out of body experience.  Last time I was full of excitement but this time I was full of anxiety and nerves.  I’m terrified of it not working again and this is completely the wrong state of mind to be in during treatment.  I’m going to yoga tonight and I’ve booked reflexology for tomorrow to get myself back into a positive zone!

I’m increasingly worried about my peers - my age and younger, who are led into a false sense of security about their own fertility because they see celebrities like Halle Berry giving birth to her second at 46, Gwen Stefani pregnant with her third at 44 and Rachel Zoe just gave birth to her second at 42.  Whilst I’m an advocate for older mothers I’m very sceptical that there was not a helping hand along the way for some older mothers.  Of course I’m not saying it’s impossible to conceive naturally in your forties – but the likelihood that it will be as easy as would have been in your twenties is not true.  I urge every female delaying having a baby for whatever reason to have their fertility checked out.  Just to be sure that everything is working ok.  You don’t want to get to forty and find out there are issues.  I know first-hand that a regular monthly cycle is not a guarantee that you’re fertile.  It’s not a myth or a scare tactic that female fertility declines with age – it’s a fact.  Never forget that as women we are born with our ovarian reserve of eggs, from the moment we have our first monthly cycle we lose one or two every month.  The older we get, the less eggs we have and the poorer the quality.  A fact that more women who delay motherhood need to be aware of.  No - I’m not suggesting you rush out have unprotected sex to see if you can get pregnant!!  I’m suggesting you visit a private gynaecologist (I don’t think these tests are available on the NHS yet) and have some simple fertility tests done and maybe look into freezing your younger eggs until you’re ready.  Its advice I wish someone had given me in my early thirties.

 

X X

New Year / New Hair

Since embarking on my fertility journey I have become very conscious of what and how I eat.  I’ve made various changes to my diet mainly cutting out caffeine, reducing my dairy intake, eating wheat and gluten free as much as possible and by drinking a Herbalife shake every morning.  I also ensure I cook all my meals from scratch and at lunch times where I used to buy readymade soups and things I have stopped.  If I make soup at home it will last less than a week in the fridge so why would I buy a fresh soup from the supermarket that expires after a month?  I’m very wary of all the  added extra’s in the food we eat especially in the food labelled as healthy.  I’m not a complete health nut – everything in moderation is key and I never restrict or deny myself.  I eat what I like I’m just more aware what it is I am eating.

This new way of eating has led me to thinking about my hair.  For the last 10 years or so, I have worn my hair relaxed but as with eating rubbish, this phase is also coming to an end.  As I’ve grown so conscious of what I put inside my body I am also becoming conscious of what I am subliminally putting in my body via my scalp. I was asked a year or so ago why I relaxed my hair and to this day I still do not have an answer.  It’s just something I do – by why do I do it?  For what purpose?   I usually relax my hair myself, applying Vaseline as barrier all around my hairline and scalp.  I know of course the cardinal rules of relaxing - not to scratch your scalp in the days leading up to relaxing and to never ever relax clean hair.  These rules and also doing it myself in my own environment, has meant that I have not suffered burns like some people have experienced. 

I’m highly aware of all the natural hair blogs and all the talk of natural hair journeys, and I can’t lie, I’ve often rolled my eyes at these sentiments and terms of endearments.  I completely understand that for some making the decision to go natural after many adult years spent weaving or relaxing or anything else is a big deal and so I’m glad that support is there where needed.  As a relaxed hair wearer I couldn’t help but sense the air of superiority from the naturals around me.  And why not – in these times of conflicting beauty ideals and body dysmorphic disorders it’s high time we are confirmable not only in our skin but also in our hair.  As a black woman who is comfortable in the skin and body I’m in, it means that it’s high time I get back to be being comfortable in my natural hair the way it grows naturally from my scalp. 

x x

IVF Cyle #1 - Fail :(

22^nd April

My first IVF Cycle went as well as can be expected.  Aside from some minor freak outs during the medication taking and thinking every time some leaked out that I was scuppering my chances – it was quite text book and thankfully was not cancelled.  I had 12 eggs collected, 8 of which fertilized overnight with my partners super sperm.  I had 2 embryos transferred after 3 days.  Of the balance 6 none made it to 5 day blast stage so I had none to freeze – gutted.  Unfortunately my text book cycle didn’t result in a pregnancy – super gutted.  And I found this out on the day that Sir Robert Edwards the founding father/ The daddy of IVF died.  I took at HPT the day before my blood test and it was negative so I was prepared for the official news from my fertility clinic the next day.  So once again all my imagined symptoms – cramping and sore boobs were just symptoms of the Progesterone pessaries I had to shove up my jacksy twice a day.  (No one ever said fertility treatment was easy.)  What did I learn from my IVF experience?  I’m not going to sugar coat it – because it is a lot and it is not easy!  And I was on the short protocol – so it could have been worse and a lot longer!  The hormones you’re taking magnify all your moods tenfold – think of PMS but worse.  I took the stimming drugs for exactly 2 weeks which consisted of Gonal F injections every evening at 9pm and from day 5 Cetrotide every morning at 7.30am.  Yes you do have to take them at the exact same time every day.  Then I had to Trigger with Ovitrelle at 11.30pm - 2 days before my Egg Collection surgery.  Not bad as I hear some people are told to trigger in the small hours of the morning.  I was however at The Show when I had to trigger – that’s the Blackstreet, Dru Hill, Changing Faces, Damage and Jodeci concert.  My partner shielding my upper thigh while I whipped out my injection.  Don’t even ask about trying to get it passed security.  As a lot of the IVF medication has to be refrigerated I had to transport my trigger shot in an ice pack to the venue.  Fun times!!  I got used to injecting myself and was a dab hand by the end – always remembering my diabetic sister when I was doing one – she has to take insulin 4 times a day.  The worst part of the experience aside from the negative test and the depression that descended afterwards – was the progesterone pessaries that I had to take.  If the treatment had of worked I would have had to take those for the first 12 weeks as well as refrain from sex for the first 12 weeks!!  Yoikes!!  It’s a wonder it really is because women who get pregnant naturally do not have to deal with either of those or any other restrictions in their pregnancies that are common place with IVFers. 

So after years of trying to conceive and then waiting for the IVF treatment I find myself back at square one – childless and broody and getting older.  Will I do IVF again?  I don’t know.  I’m still getting over the experience and if it didn’t work again I’m not sure I could handle it.  Its one of those things you think is going to work, it’s the solution to infertility but in all actually it’s not really like that.  Realistically first time IVF has very low success rates as it’s usually a trial to test how you respond to medication.  Does this mean a second attempt will be successful – who knows?  I’m not getting any younger and my ovarian reserve is already low so while I wait for my follow up appointment I’m left wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently – maybe I should have rested more, been on complete bed rest after Embryo Transfer, should I have drank more water, should I not have insisted on acupuncture on the day of embryo transfer.  I don’t really know if anything I did or didn’t do specifically caused what appeared to be a great cycle to fail at the last hurdle.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do going forward that will improve my chances for success in the future.  I admire the many women I have met whilst on my journey who have done IVF many, many times in the hopes of conceiving.  What I do know is I need a break from the fertility treadmill I’ve been running on for the last few years.  Starting with a holiday!

x x

Countdown

29^th November 2012

Yesterday’s appointment was a bad one.  This was the last appointment before IVF actually starts in January.  And it’s in this appointment they choose to tell me I have polycystic ovaries and low AMH levels as well as my blocked tube.  The very first time I had an internal ultrasound the result showed fluid around my ovary and when the test was repeated it had gone.  However both those tests were carried out at clinics rather than fertility clinics so they were not looking for anything specific.  The scan at the Fertility Clinic which I had about 4 months ago was more detailed.  So for 4 months they tell me that everything is fine.  And yesterday they tell me, oh by the way you have PCOS.  WTF?  I’m used to crying in all my appointments so it’s no surprise that I cried at that new news.  Coupled with the low AMH levels I was not in the best of moods yesterday.  The AMH levels measure ovarian reserve and being told that mine are low going into IVF was not great.  They have to adjust the protocol they put me on and I’m now going to be on the Antagonistic Protocol. So that’s my bedtime reading for the next few weeks sorted while I wait for January. 

A woman is born with her ovarian reserve of eggs - and once she starts her period she loses one or two a month until the menopause.  During this time the quality as well as the quantity declines.  When they say a woman’s fertility reduces with age this is what they mean and this should not be taken lightly.

I read something funny today in another one of those IVF books I’ve been reading.  Anyone who has been through infertility will be able to identify with this.  A lady said it’s her automatic reaction now whenever she has a doctor’s appointment to remove her knickers!  I remember the days I used to dread smear tests.  I’ve had so many foreign objects inserted into me for varying reasons at regular intervals on this journey, that I think its second nature to take your knickers off, get on a table and spread your legs with your heels together.

15th January

So I decided to volunteer with Infertility Network UK.  My infertility journey has been pretty isolating - aside from my immediate family and a couple of close friends I have not told anyone what has been going on.  I'm getting better at sharing but it’s still hard.  A lot of people are of the view that if you can’t get pregnant well its not meant to be and just get on with it.  Infertility is not seen as illness that actually has cures.  People think you’re selfish and just don’t understand and on top of that you already feel like crap because everyone else can do it but you.  As I know how lonely it can feel I want to help others going through the same/similar things and let them know they're not alone.  IN UK helped me a lot when I needed it the most and so I’d like to return the favour.

A woman on BBC Breakfast wound me up this morning, the segment was about children’s ages at school and if being born in the summer, therefore younger than the rest of the class actually affects their education.  This woman says she planned her conceptions so her children would be born in winter so they wouldn't be the youngest in the class.  Planned conception you know!  Well bully for you!  (Bitch)

17th January

I tried to leave some IN UK pamphlets and posters at my GP's surgery and they wouldn't accept them.  They said unless its NHS funded they can't accept them.  Even though its a charity run organisation.  Weird.  I felt quite unsupported by my GP especially when I saw a pregnant one telling me to relax and it will happen ofter a year.  There is no understanding about infertility even from GP's.  If the statistics are correct and one in six couples does go though this, then while you’re in your GP's waiting room it would be nice to glance up and see an IN UK poster or pamphlet offering support.  Trust me my GP has not heard the end of this.  I'm going to write to the practice manager.  There will be IN UK posters in my GP's surgery **Waving fist in the air**

 

x x

"Insane in the membrane...."

6^th August 2012

I think I’m losing the plot.  My low opinion of myself and my ill functioning body parts are turning me into nutjob.  I’m paranoid and think my partner is obviously cheating on me.  Why would he not be?  I’m barren and crazy and only want to have sex at specific times of the month.  There’s no spontaneity in our relationship anymore and all I talk about is babies and why I’m not pregnant.  I’m not fun anymore and I’m less secure in myself.  I don’t like me so obviously he doesn’t like me.  He’ll find a young fertile girl and leave me soon.  Obviously these are not thoughts I express to him or (anyone else) – they just go around in my head driving me further insane.  Then I come home from work and he’s bought me a little present or tidied the mess he left somewhere and gives me a big hug and I realise that he does love me.  I am still loveable. I am still me and this crazy version of me is not really who I am.  All is right with the world again.  And I still want a baby.

14^th August 2012

Got first appointment at the Fertility Centre tomorrow.  Turns out all the other hospital appointments I had were a diversionary tactic by the NHS – maybe to try and see if anything else would work but more likely to drag it out so I get fed up and go private – which I did do for some things.  Note to others – tell your GP to send you direct to your researched closest NHS fertility Centre and by pass the local hospital who are also full of General Doctors guessing what could be wrong rather than fertility specialists.  If treatment is available to you on the NHS I suggest going for it as fertility treatment is not cheap.

31^st August 2012

It’s been a while and I’m now in much better spirits about the whole thing.  Had an appointment at the Fertility Clinic where they have put me in the diary to start IVF in January!  Aarrggghhh being given a date makes it sound so real.  However I have to have a Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy operations – hopefully they will do both at the same time.  I don’t want either but apparently IVF stands a better chance of being successful if they know what’s going on inside there and having a proper look and correcting anything that may need fixing.  Operation has been schedules for  October, and I have a whole host of appointments in the interim, starting with yet another intrauterine ultrasound scan, which for some reason was nowhere as painful as they have been in the past considering the nurse was in there for a lot longer than normal.  I was very crampy afterwards.  But I’m now very excited at the prospect of starting and IVF and have downloaded 2 books to my iPad Kindle App – Zita Wests Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception and Kate Brians Complete Guide to IVF.  I really feel like IVF is the answer to my problems and I’m so desperate for it to work.  I just don’t know how I’ll cope if it doesn’t.

N.B. Its funny how when you tell people of your difficulties getting pregnant they assume it’s because of an untreated STI.  I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who didn’t even know they had Chlamydia.  Yes untreated STI's can and do lead to infertility in women but this is not the reason I can't conceive... So thanks anyway ***Insert eye rolling icon here***

x x

Trying to concieve

I've been wrestling with making my journey public for some time now...  Why there is so much stigma surrounding infertility I don't know and my suffering (for want of a better word) in silence is only adding fuel to this fire.  So I'm speaking about it now, after all 1 in 6 couples will experience difficulty trying to conceive. I've been making journal entries for some time for my own benefit, so I'm going to start sharing some of these entries so you can laugh, cry, commiserate and identify with me whilst I'm on this journey.  So here goes...

2^nd July 2012

Who’d have thought – after years of being on contraception, finally being ready to have a baby and it doesn’t happen.  All my partners’ tests are ok so it’s me.  Unexplained infertility they call it while they carry out more tests, investigations and operations to see what form of treatment I might need.  Have I mentioned how everyone around me is pregnant?  Since I’ve come off the pill (18 months ago) there’s been 3 people at work and 6 friends and relatives including my little sister who is pregnant with her 2^nd and my closest friend who started trying when I finally confided in her the difficulties I was having.  Go figure she gets pregnant the month she stops taking contraception and when she and her partner were arguing – so the sexy time was limited.  Not to mention all the celebrities and people on my commute to work.  I see pregnant women like the little kid in the Sixth Sense saw dead people - all the freakin time.  Is it not enough that you’re pregnant but now you want my seat on the tube as well?

9^th July 2012

It’s official. I now need to try IUI or the more invasive IVF if I’m to have a baby as I definitely need help in order to get pregnant.  I guess I’m over the initial shock and disappointment, because I’m no longer bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes.  Instead I am left feeling like a total failure – why doesn’t my body work?  Seriously, why me?  I’ve never smoked, or taken drugs.  My partner doesn’t even drink much less the other 2.  We are healthy and crazy in love.  Yet obese people, drug takers, alcoholics and smokers get pregnant without even trying.  Accidents.  Mistakes. And here’s me, planning sex like a military operation every month so it’s timed exactly when I ovulate give or take a couple of hours – peeing on sticks and checking vaginal mucus like a gynaecologist and still nothing.  My period arrives and a try to convince myself it could be implantation bleed as its quite light.  And then when it gets heavier throughout the day I convince myself further that a lot of people still had a period even though they were pregnant.  The 4^th BFN kind of confirms that I’m not nor was I ever pregnant – no matter how much I felt my boobs tingling when I put on my over the shoulder boulder holder.  They say karma is a bitch; I must have been a real piece of work in a previous life to deserve this.  I don’t even think I believe in past lives and reincarnation.  Anyhoo – I am officially on the NHS waiting list for IVF which takes 4/5 months in my area.  Luckily where I live, I’m able to have the full 3 cycles recommended by the NICE guidelines.